The Beginning

Ready for change...

This is something a lot of people don't understand.

I go to a school that teaches health and wellness. We are all going to be doctors. However, when people see me, there is the tendency to see only what is on the outside, which (and I'll be the first to admit) is not exactly the picture of health. I can't tell you how many times I've felt the judgement or heard of the snide text messages regarding my weight. What those people, and sadly-- future doctors-- fail to realize is that there is a lifetime of struggle associated with the weight they see. Don't get me wrong. I know a lot of people have had it a lot worse than me. But the overeating, making jokes at myself before anyone else had the chance to, and giving myself this protective cushion (pun intended) to keep people out is how I dealt with it. Some people run. I ran to the refrigerator.

I am truly blessed and thankful to have friends around me and at other schools who don't see me as just "the fat girl." They are by my side supporting me and not judging me. Standing by someone as they struggle against others as well as themselves is the true mark of friendship, and for that I am grateful.

In my experience, the more negative people in my life have given me the attitude of "oh, well, she just doesn't want to change...she doesn't care what she's doing to herself." To them, I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes. I've learned over these past couple of years that you can want to change with all your heart, but if your mind is not in the right place- if you have not battled those inner demons that cause you to derail yourself- you will still fail.

I've had to face the demons of heartache-- having a fiancee who cheats on you and tells you it is because the other girl was more attractive, seeing them walk hand in hand with your ring on her finger.

I've had to face the demons of loss-- driving 2 1/2 hours to see someone, to tell them that you are ready to try a relationship with them, only to have their ex answer the phone and tell you they passed away that very morning.

I've had to face the demons of self-loathing-- hating yourself after eating something you shouldn't have or gaining a pant size, and then eating a pint of ice cream because you're depressed about it, perpetuating the destructive circle.

Now, why am I pouring out my past (and believe me, that is only a taste of what I have dealt with), you may ask? I feel it is necessary for you to gain an understanding of who I am and why I am doing this blog. And, maybe some of those judgemental people will see this blog and think twice before judging people like me-- because your overweight and obese patients will be dealing with issues like this, too. But most of all, I want to have something for me to look back on and say, "Hey...look at all you've overcome. You used to hang on to these things, and it would bring you down. Now, let it be your rock so you can climb over that wall and become the person you want to be, inside and out."

So, as I said, I have finally allowed myself to deal with a lot of issues in my life. I won't lie-- I still have to deal with more. But now, I know I have a solid support system. I know now that leaning on them is not a weakness. They are there to support me just as I would them. And so, now...I am ready for change.

The next question is...now that I know I am ready for change, where do I go from here? That's a good question.

Well, first of all, I'm changing my lifestyle. This entails first and foremost a change in the way I eat. I won't lie and say that my diet hasn't been that bad. It has. I have been known to eat a whole Little Caesar's pizza, or go to buffets and gorge myself. NO MORE. I am going to start eating healthier-- and not this "low fat" processed garbage. Over the past few weeks, I've been participating in a "paleo challenge" at school-- meaning no grains, no refined sugars, no alcohol, no dairy, no beans, etc. I'll be the first to admit, I have slipped a few times. However, each time I slip, I notice how gross I feel compared to when I eat paleo. The plan is once the challenge is over at school, I will be going to an 85% paleo, 15% freebie food lifestyle. I am emphasizing lifestyle over diet because that is exactly what it is. I have been working hard to change my view on food, and I am determined to not go back.

Second, I have to get moving! Even if I don't have much energy, if I can just get in a short walk, or just a little work with the kettlebell, that's so much better than sitting on my couch and feeling sorry for myself. Nothing is ever going to change that way.

Third, SLEEP! I'm in grad school, and have unfortunately trained myself to function on as little sleep as possible. However, if I don't get enough rest, my body will stay at a constant stressed level, thereby making it harder to lose weight-- or worse, causing me to gain weight.

Fourth, I have to make sure I hydrate. The new rule is to drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces per day...well, that is a LOT of ounces, but I am going to push myself towards that. I feel if I can at least hit the 100 oz. mark each day, I am doing pretty well.

So, where does the blog come in? Well, this is going to be my way of making myself accountable. I want to make sure I'm posting something every few days. Now, while I won't be posting my weight here, I will post my progress-- both the positives and the negatives. I want this to be helpful for anyone who is going through the same struggles I am-- and hopefully if I am successful in my journey, it will help others to become so as well.

For now, thank you for reading this lengthy insight to this blog. I hope it is helpful to you, and I hope it is something that helps push me along as well. Thanks for your support!

~L~